so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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