Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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