I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
