Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
