Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize