you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I am naked and annoyed.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
