One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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