I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
