I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Actions speak louder than pants.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize