I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
