proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
