there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
