New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
