is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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