just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
