Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
