He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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