I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
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