i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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