i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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