the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
