I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
