What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
