Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
