Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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