Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
