My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
