I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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