i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
