So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
