Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
