i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
