I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
