I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
