worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
