like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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