I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
