she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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