i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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