I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it glows. i had to have it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
