I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
