he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
