If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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