evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
