he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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