i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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