I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
