To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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