So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You may now shotgun with the bride
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize