Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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