Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize