i need an iv and a liver transplant
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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