theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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