there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize