Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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