If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
