so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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