the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
