she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
